Change

I find it highly improbable that much good will come out of whatever I am doing or attempting to do now. I honestly don't enjoy whatever I am doing in school. It is scary how reality often pales in comparison to the seemingly limitless dreams one has when one is  insolent. It scares me just how fast the world moves. Friends who used to sit right across you during recess now surging forth, embarking on adventures one can only dream off. Schoolmates whom you used to catch a glimpse of as you trudge through school now captured only in photographs taken in far-away places. Perhaps the greatest tragedy of all is how a long time ago, it was I who thought would be the one who will be that journey of a lifetime; the journey of mental and spiritual transformation. Things obviously have not changed much for me judging from my viewpoint. 

I have been having many sleepless nights. I stay awake till 2 reading, studying and continue to stay up till 5 or 6 most of the time just lying in bed, listening to some old forgotten tune wondering what went wrong and how the heck did I end up in such a mess. Was it the lack of determination, or was it the lack of self-motivation? Were the odds against me right from the start, or did I just not seize whatever opportunities that availed themselves to me? Or perhaps was it because for that short period in time, I tried so damn hard to be someone I wasn't, to walk a path that wasn't meant to be? 

I have to say that the predicament I am in now is a rather interesting one. I am thoroughly happy with the friends I have and the life I am leading yet I am extremely dissatisfied with the current state of affairs I am in. Well... I don't have much time left to figure things out. I have one last paper tomorrow and upon its conclusion comes too the conclusion of my first year. Tragically, I have absolutely nothing to show for it at all, lest some As' and Bs' in courses and modules which I have absolutely no interest in. On the bright side however, this epiphany could not have come at a much better time. Change, in many ways, is like a Sumatran Squall (I thought it only apt to add in some local analogy...), always looming in the distance, seemingly hesitant in its movements but unstoppable when in motion... (Again... its almost midnight so pardon the analogy should it be deemed inappropriate) you only have a general idea of when it might hit but never anything definite. Alright... break's over... back to Econometrics...