Going it alone

I wrote on this empty space once about limits. About the boundaries established in the mind just with regards to how much shit an individual can take be it physically or emotionally. I must admit that I am tittering on the edge of that boundary of mine. I have come to realize the truth about camerade amongst friends and my relationship with my school. Some of it is real, sincere and genuine others... well they might mean well but they just don't get it. I realized last night that I most probably failed to secure my exchange slot to Paris and that event set in motion a whole roller coaster ride of sentiments which saw me unloading on certain individuals last night. I got pissed then fuming mad then just terribly upset with the whole situation as the night went on. Initially what had set out to be a night of unloading and "getting things off my chest" turned into a night of discovery too. I learnt about the varying degree of friendships that I have. There were those who have totally no opinion or backbone whatsoever... those who keep paraphrasing my questions without providing any comfort or useful/ constructive support. There were those who were more concern about the end-state of the dynamics of the team instead of the feelings of the individual... and thankfully there were those who understood that sometimes all I need to hear are just words of support and comfort about the stuff that happened. Ever since my outburst in mid-novemember, I have detached myself pretty much from just about everything around me. Schadenfreude seems evident everywhere I look and I guess its affecting my rather fragile mental state at this juncture in time. Useless sports directors, tactless overly competitive individuals who'd rather remove you as a friend then attempt some form of reconciliation and friends who just don't care are going to be a thing of the past for me. I used to believe in the unconditionality of friendships but alas now I realize just how foolish I was. The lies, deceit and bullshit that surrounds us all... Its time to break out and start walking my own road.