Heart Break

"Ever has it been that love know not its own depth until the hour of separation."

- Kahil Gibran

Regrets

Life isn't about second chances. Its about getting things right the first time around. I have been screwing things up pretty badly for the last 4 years... and I sadly do not see an end in sight... Discipline is something I am clearly lacking. Its hard to do put your soul into something when your heart isn't there...

There are those who with nothing, work hard and achieve everything that is humanly possible before their time is up. And on the other end there are those, not very much unlike me, who squander everything little thing they do have and eventually die an unhappy dissatisfied man only to be forgotten before even the body gets laid to rest.

It could be the durians... it could be the happy posts I see on my FB wall of my peers doing lovely things in lovely places... Beneath this happy-go-lucky exterior, lies the heart of a broken man drowning in an endless cesspool of regret and bitterness, with no one to blame but himself.

Tragedy @ D407

Death in a bowl

Even the best of us make mistakes at times and I was no exception.

The day was the 4th of September 2009. The night was young and the corridors of Blk D were silent. I had IFG swimming the next day (which on hindsight now I didn't have... but that is a tale for another day...) and I needed to retire early for the night. The 5 runny nose tetras, 2 Harlequins, 2 bumble bee gobies, 2 Yamato shrimps and 3 Cherry shrimps needed to be fed before the day was out. As these young things had just moved in, they weren't too comfortable with feeding in fast moving, disturbed water just yet. I switched off the ventilator and fed them their food before hitting the sack. That would be the last time I'd see some of them ever again.

Fast forward to the 6th of September. The night was late and my sister needed to head back to school before the clock struck 12. It was supposed to be a drop and go... (drop the groceries in the fridge and go to the car...) I never imagined that the night was going to take a turn for the worse and D407 be turned into a crime scene. I crossed the room and I could sense that something just wasn't right. The water level of the tank had dropped drastically and the erie silence only meant one thing... I dropped the groceries and shoved my sister aside as I rushed to the tankside... I was too late... 38 hours too late... The shrimps lay on their sides... their shells a bright red hue. Astaxanthin, a hidden pigment within the shells of prawns, becomes visibly pink after the protein "hiding" them breaks down after death. One of the Yamato shrimps was still grey indicating that... it had died not too long before. 2 red nose tetras lay floating at the surface as the remainder showed signs of a sever fungus infection which had set in during the incident... My hands shook as I reached into the tank and removed their lifeless bodies from the comforts of the tank. Nothing could prepare me for the trauma I had that night. The death... the stench... the agony of watching S$9.00 worth of Aquarium life go up in smokes... or should I say down the toilet bowl just like that. I had no one to blame but myself. My carelessness... I made a vow never to let such an event ever happen again under my watchful eyes. To my dead comrades of the deep (or 20 cm deep aquarium...)... this I promise you.

The ride to NTU was solemn and silent as I mourned the lost of what I'd like to call... my loyal "desk-mates". Rest in Peace my cheery friends...

Weight Loss

I need to loose a bit more weight if I don't intend on ripping my brand new tri-suit apart when I take a deep breath... Great... More running and cycling please... Jon, I am back to being you're new best friend :)

Mother's Day

Mother's day was created/ established by Anna Jarvis about a century ago to commemorate the death of her Mother and to recognize all that her mother has done for her. What began originally as a celebration of good intent has degenerated into another commercialized publicity stunt to generate more money and revenue for the tons of gifts and cards companies out there. To quote a small paragraph from Wikipedia, "Mother's Day continues to this day to be one of the most commercially-successful U.S. occasions. According to the National Restaurant Association, Mother's Day is now the most popular day of the year to dine out at a restaurant in the United States. For example, according to IBISWorld , a publisher of business research, Americans will spend approximately $2.6 billion on flowers, $1.53 billion on pampering gifts—like spa treatments—and another $68 million on greeting cards. Mother's Day will generate about 7.8% of the U.S. jewelry industry's annual revenue in 2008, with custom gifts like mother's rings." What I believe Wiki fails to acknowledge is the agony and heartache these "days of gratitudes" sometimes brings. Every child out there seeks desperately to produce the best gift possible in hopes of pleasing his or hers  respective parent whilst every parent, more specifically mother in this case, desperately yearns for the gift that outshines those her friend's kids had given her. I have to admit I don't often show my thanks for what I have and the privileges bestowed upon me. However I do try. A coffee in the middle of the night, some bread from provence when I return home from school, a hug and a kiss before bedtime; I always thought that those mattered the most. Should that not be the case, I had believed that 15 (Since I was in P1...)  years of Mother's day gifts and perfect celebrations would count for something at least and my how was I mistaken. I ain't in a habit of airing my dirty linen in public but I just needed an outlet, somewhere to pour out what I am feeling and stating where I am coming from. I ain't perfect and I admit that sometimes I make some of the worse mistakes possible on what was to be one of the happiest days in a year. 

Were there special, extraordinary plans made to commemorate today? No. Were there simple plans? Yes... Simple and Sincere plans were made. Were they perfect? No... most definitely not, if not I won't be writing this post now... but were they real? Yes... 

I believe it's the thought that matters the most somehow. Well to me at least. 

Do I regret whatever that has happened today? Most definitely so. I regret the numerous poor judgment calls and the insensitivity showed. I guess that in so many ways, I have been so caught up in my life that I just lost track of what really mattered most in the end. 

I believe in the power of sleep and in the new beginnings a new day brings. The next major trial in my life is less than 70 days away and I am, in all honesty, not ready for it at all. Am I worried? Hell yeah. Am I going to do something about it? Yes I am. These 70 days are going to be a test of whatever little strength and determination I have in me and I am going to prove to myself that I have what it takes to go that extra mile.

Mental exhaustion takes more out of you as compared to any form of physical exertion. No kidding. Till the next post and better days to come :)

Idling...

The second post for today is up because... there has been zero net work done since the last post. Just a quick summary of the stuff that happened since the last post:

I logged off MSN, Facebook, Friendster, Command and Conquer and I-tunes before closing the two movies and one TV drama that was running on my comp. (I hope you appreciate how much effort that took...) before packing everything up and leaving for Mac's @ West Coast. After queueing for a good 10 minutes, I finally reached the counter only to realize that I didn't have a single cent on me to purchase anything. (Cashless society... MY ARSE...). I made my way to West Coast Plaza to withdraw some money and headed back to that same bloody Mac's. Due to my lack of breakfast and over-the-top appetite, I ordered two meals (YES... two... One McSpicy Upsize and One 6 piece Nugget meal...) and downed it both in half an hour, only to realized that the sugar, carb and fatty high I had rendered me incapable of mugging. I headed back to hall and "VIOLA" here we are... after 2 over liters of petrol, 2 hours of time-wasting and 2000 calories later... back at square 1. Let's hope the remainder of the afternoon won't be too disastrous :) 

Mind Games

I couldn't move much today. I was really tired and slow. I hope things will turn for the better soon. 

Sunset

She was strict. I didn't like her much when I first met her. She gave tons of homework, pulled my already deformed right ear and rapped my knuckles when I didn't get the homework done. However, its only fair that I state that I wasn't an easy student either. Locking her out of my house. Check. Locking her in the balcony. Check. Throwing an item at her (Orange, Glass mug, Telephone... etc.). Check. I wasn't easy and I can say for certain that I most definitely gave her a run for her money. The journey was long and arduous but it finally paid off with me getting an A* for my PSLE Chinese. The only A I would ever get for a Chinese paper. Ever. She bought me a really cool stationary set and a set of stickers for that A*, a testament to my hard work (Thank you...) and more importantly her success at taming and grooming me to succeed and like the Chinese Language. 

The message came at a most awkward time. My family members had just finished a rather delightful dinner when my cousin got the message. I am not at liberty to disclose the details but it was rather unsettling. Nothing was confirmed and we all just hoped and prayed that it would all be a bad scare. 

I had just finished a rather eventful ride with my mates and was having dinner with my dad when the call came. There wasn't much melodrama or anything, just a sad resignation acknowledging the harsh realities of life. I threw on a shirt and a pair of jeans and my sis, dad and I were out of the house in the blink of an eye. 

She looked at me with her great big eyes and a grin on her face. She was in immense discomfort, no doubt about it, but looking at her, one could hardly tell. She was thin yet so full of joy as she shook our hands and whispered hi. I smiled and we talked about stuff. Its hard to summarize 10 years in 5 minutes but we did it. I grasped her hand and she held on to mine. Thats all it took. We chatted and laughed. She couldn't speak well yet she was still full of advice. "Study hard", "Don't get attached so young". It wasn't easy for her and it sure as hell wasn't easy for me nor for anyone who knew her. Her husband gently moved to her side, a gentle reminder to us that she needed rest. She held my hand and told me not to go back if there wasn't anything serious. Even under such dire predicaments, it was still others before herself. 

My mum asked why I was so quiet on the ride back. I told her I was tired from the bike ride. I lied. I have not cried for the longest time ever and tonight the tears just couldn't stop. Memories of her. Thoughts on Life. Anger at how unfair it all can be. There wasn't a particular reason why I did what I did I guess. 

I told a friend once, or maybe more than once,  "Life's too short to sweat the small stuff". I guess I never realized the true implications of that statement till today. I hope you'll recover. Thanks for the memories and most importantly, thanks for educating me and not giving up on me. Thank you so much. 

Running

I tried it today for an entirely new reason. Perhaps it was the ridiculous hour. Maybe it was the intensity. It provided temporal relief while it lasted. However just like the run, I ended up where I started. The mind was left a little clearer, the body a little less tense but still the problem lay there right at my doorstep, like a drop of dried tar refusing to be wiped away. 

Thoughts

Someone told me a really long time ago, the best stories told are those laden with emotions. I am upset with my life so far. I am unhappy with the choices I have made and the predicament I am in. I worry every day that with each tick of the clock, the further I am from my goal in life. I try so hard to make everything look alright on the outside but I think the shell's starting to crack, and the polished paintwork is starting to come apart. I have done a good job with the design and architecture but I simply lack the materials to build that dream house. I thought I was strong, till I looked in the mirror and saw me in pieces. So many opportunities were given but i snubbed every single one of them. I don't want to be the me I see in the mirror years from now. A broken compass is what I am. Foundering and aimless. I wished I'd done things differently. I really do. 

"I see u going down that road... you're heading for deep shit and you know it. Look at you now, you have nothing to your name and yet you remain so stubborn... I put in so much time and energy into you... I hope you have a goal... You'd better have a goal." 

- Anonymous